Heart Flutters

Open Question: Help me with my story?

July 12th, 2010 | by admin | Open Question: Help me with my story?
Okay, well this is a bit from chapter 3, i need you honest opinions. Is it rushed? cheesy? Its Fantasy, (No vampires) and this bit she is learning how to ride a dragon. Thanks!
I griped on the wyverns clammy neck, in search for the horns. I felt the rough skin rub up against my legs. I have never felt anything like it.
?On it’s large head my dear? he exclaimed.
I manged to reach out for the horns, and clenched onto them like reigns. My heart was throbbing, and my head ached.
?Now what?? I asked, gripping onto the horn’s tighter, ready for the old man to hop on. I straightened my body, and fixed it in place.
?Okay, now this is were it gets complicated. Hold on for dear life my girl, you will get the hang of it!?
?What do you mean! Wait, please don’t leave me! your coming on right??
my heart thumped against my chest, he had to come with me! I have no idea how to ride a dragon!
His voice chuckled as he went over to welded up chain, that lead to the dragons leg. His winkled hands settled over the thick silver chain.
?Malaguire uflare sease let un de lutre? he murmured, deepening his voice, and as he did the chain erupted, sending sparks of fire that lightened the cave. The thick metal chain had exploded into two, leaving the dragon free, free to do anything he desires.
The dragon bellowed and cried. He got up on his two back limbs, leaving me drooping off the side crying for avail.
?Hold on my lady! Don’t let go!? the old man’s voice cried.
My body kept slipping every time I would sit myself up, lucky though the dragon’s rough skin made it easier to grip on.
The wind hit my face as we soared out through an opening and into the bright daylight. My eye’s where clenched shut, and my grip was getting tighter. I want to get down, I’m going to die!
‘It’s okay, I’m not going to harm you’ A soft gentle voice pierced through my thoughts.
?Who are you!? I demanded, but the wind blocked out my request.
‘I’ll tell you, only if you promise to cure my pain’ The voice was broad and wise, but smooth like the journey.
I thought about it for a while as we soared through the sky. The tree’s below me stretched, there branches reaching out for me, but we where to high up for them.
?Okay.. What do you want me to do?? My voice got drowned out by the wind.
I heard a chuckle then the voice spoke to me again. ‘I want you to disengage me my lady’
The veins in my body throbbed. The dragon was talking to me! In my mind! But why couldn’t I talk back to him? Why can’t I read minds?
?Free you? But why?? I said, cautiously.
His body swirled around, nearly making me drop to my death, but I manged to cling on.
‘Sango isn’t that grateful. He keeps me locked away in that cavern, this is the first time I have seen daylight in three months, that is why I’m pleading you for the request’
My body twitched. ?Your asking me to free you??
?Yes young warlock, if you please’
The ride started to speed up, the wind brushed in my face, making my hair fly into my eye’s.
?What will you do in return?? I asked, hoping there is a something in return.
‘Anything you desire’ he replied.
I didn’t know what to say, I had to let him free, but I’m too scared too, what will the old man say?
‘Don’t worry about him young warlock, worry about your friends’
I was too busy staring down at the serpent, that I didn’t reliese we where headed towards cavern. The cavern were the old man was last saw. I didn’t want to go back, I didn’t want to leave the dragon on it’s own.
Discernibly the dragon made a sharp turn, into a crack of the cavern. The chamber echoed the drakes thrashing wings.
?Well, well, well! I’m surprised you made it my lady!? he said, rushing up to me.
‘Please don’t forget what I had told you’ I tried to block his voice out of my head, but nothing worked.
Anxiously I slid down the creature’s back, locking my eye’s into his.
‘I am Adrolth, the only European serpent alive’ he said, knowing that I would free him.
My eye’s wondered away from the dragon, and into the old man’s.
I didn’t mention anything to him, I didn’t want to.
?Are you alright my lady?? he asked.
My graze met his. ?Yes, I’m fine. Just hungry that’s all?
A smile spread across his face. ?Good, because we will be joining the others for dinner?
How was it? Rushed, cheesy? Thank you so very much!