Open Question: Read my rough draft and give me opinions/suggestions please?
***Note, this is a work in progress. Please let me know what you think so far, as well as suggestions on what could be changed. Thank you.***
I could hear them, but I couldn?t see them. That was the first realization that came to me. Sirens were wailing so loud it made me want to cover my ears, but I couldn?t move.
?No pulse!? I heard someone yell from nearby, as if they were leaning over me. ?She isn?t breathing!?
Who wasn?t breathing? My mind rushed to Robin and I struggled to open my eyes, only to find it impossible. I was trapped in darkness, oblivious to all but sound.
?Clear!? It was the only thing my muddled mind could gather. A flash of something much like pain went through me, but I could barely feel it. It was as if I were sinking into a black pool with no bottom. Soon the voices began to blend together, making it hard to understand anything at all. What just happened? I couldn?t remember.
?Again!?
This time stung and I felt myself rise slightly out of the dark abyss. My heart was pounding within my chest, and I heard myself choke as if my lungs couldn?t get air fast enough. I still couldn?t feel my body.
?We have a pulse.? This voice was directly above me, and relieved. ?Can you hear us, honey??
I felt too tired to answer, though something told me I should. As more and more feeling returned to my body, I started to feel the aches and pains and wished that I were numb again.
I listened as the sirens faded, still too exhausted to move. All I really wanted to do was sleep.
?Raven.? It was a whisper on my ears, so soft that I thought I imagined it. When I didn?t stir, it came again, this time louder. ?Raven.? The voice belonged to Robin. My eye?s reluctantly fluttered open.
She was leaning over me, seeming to be nothing more than a faint outline. The corners of her mouth turned down in a grimace, as if she too were in pain, and her blue eyes spoke of a sorrow I couldn?t even begin to understand.
All I managed to say was her name, before figures started to huddle around me, attempting to lift me. I blinked a few times, trying to register the swarm of faces that peered down at me, but I recognized no one. It was just a blur of colors and shapes. Gently, they laid me on what felt like a stretcher. Glancing around, I realized that my sister no longer stood beside me. As they wheeled me towards a parked ambulance, I began to whimper.
?It?ll be okay, sweetheart.? Someone murmured kindly, but it wasn?t the voice I wanted to hear.
I winced at the jarring motion of being placed in the back of the EMS. My vision began slipping as the fatigue hit me again. Something was calling to me. Surely it wouldn?t be so bad to sleep. Just for a little while. I allowed my eyes to close slowly.
?Stay awake, Raven. You have to stay awake.? I jerked in response to her voice, my lids flying open. She stood against the steel doors with a sullen expression, like all the hope and life had left her. It made me want to cry.
?Okay.? I promised, the word never leaving my lips. She seemed to understand. A silent agreement between us.
Suddenly, the doors were closing in on her. I wanted to scream for her to move, but there was no need. They passed right through her. A sad smile touched her lips as she held my gaze for a few more moments, then she was gone.

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 20:38:28 GMT

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