Heart Flutters

Open Question: What do you think of my poetry?

July 14th, 2010 | by admin | Open Question: What do you think of my poetry?
Fire Song
The flames lick and play my feet.
They feel faint and feeble
Like dewy cobwebs- oh so slightly torrid.
Then I realise my soles are burnt black
By their subtle scorching rampage.
Did you see the embers glow and grow?
Why did you not say?
The smoke knots and twists into my hair and head.
It?s familiar like your morning breath while I’m in bed.
The dust, oh the dusty smoke chokes my eyes.
Then I see your face.
But the tears aren?t enough to douse this blaze.
I?m burning to death today,
But the fire murmurs to me, ?It?ll be ok?.
Rabbit Heart
Cutter had a rabbit small
She knew not love at all
Until one day he stopped her heart
To save her from the stew that night
Memory
Time to think, to just stop and
Link these past few hours in an
Almighty web of thought.
However, like all spider webs it can
Be distorted and swept away by the
Lightest brush of a lie.

Tue, 13 Jul 2010 21:12:53 GMT
Open Question: does this sound like just anxiety, or more?
this is probably the 100th time I’ve asked this sort of question on this site, almost as if I don’t like the answers I here and am suddenly expecting the rules to change, I don’t know.
anyway, a brief history: I’m 23 years old and have in one way or another been suffering with anxiety and to some extent OCD for my entire life. however, it’s only become debilitating within the past year. up until that point, I’d just had panic attacks a couple times a year, and obsessed over breathing, as well as generalized anxiety about everything (constant worrying, etc).
but these days, I have much, much more of an issue. I don’t even leave my house anymore. I’m addicted to xanax, not just physically, but I also depend on it to even give myself the illusion of “relaxing”. I don’t really know what relaxation feels like anymore, just this fake drug-induced relaxation-esque high. it’s REALLY hard to explain how I feel all the time. the worst part of it is my breathing. I constantly feel like I’m being smothered and out of breath. I am constantly gasping for air, trying to get a fulfilling deep breath and often find myself lightheaded from hyperventilation before I get that full deep breath. I usually feel like my breathing is very shallow, with a tightness and a sort of electrified feeling in my chest. it’s REALLY hard to explain. I feel like I have an itch deep in my lungs or something. I worry that I have some sort of disease from the years that I smoked, but I’ve had chest x-rays and such and nothing turned up. my sinuses are also ALWAYS giving me problems. which leads to the OCD sort of symptoms.
I CONSTANTLY try to clear my nose. it feels like there’s been something stuck deep in the back of my nose for a long time now, and I obsessively do this sort of sniffle; rapid inhaling and exhaling through my nose to try to clear out the feeling. of course, it never goes away, but sometimes I end up doing this so much that I get lightheaded, and it feels like I’m hurting my lungs in some way from the forceful breathing through my nose, and I obsess over that whole thing.
aside from all this, I have panic attacks. as bad as they get. can’t breathe, pounding heart, lightheaded, dizzy, thinking I’m going to die, etc. and I’m TERRIFIED of driving now. occasionally I give myself a sort of exposure therapy and hope that it’ll get better with practice, but it never does. the other day I did an experiment. I drove around my neighborhood without having taken any xanax to calm down, and I was relatively “relaxed”. I felt the strange feeling in my chest/lungs, but I wasn’t quite at panic levels. then, as soon as I pulled out onto a busy road, my breathing got shallow and rapid, I started checking my pulse, felt faint, and started speeding by like 30mph just to get back to my house. in an uninsured car, no less.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve been on 6 different antidepressants over the past 6 years or so, and they’ve only ever made my problems worse. I went to a mental hospital back in late december 2009, and have seen several therapists/psychiatrists/psychologists since, none of which have helped me at all. I’ve been getting progressively worse and worse and more and more dependent on the xanax and I just don’t know what to do anymore.
btw, this all started with the ending of a serious relationship. I broke up with my ex, then after things started to go well between us again I tried to get her back, and she instead decided to run to another guy but play games with me for months, telling me she wants me, then she doesn’t, then she does, getting restraining orders, taking me to court, etc. it had me absolutely miserable, which is when I decided to start taking the xanax, just to get myself to sleep all day and not have to deal with the breakup. it’s after that that I became addicted to the pills and trapped in the cycle of anxiety and panic and fear of leaving my house.
is there any hope for me? I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Wed, 14 Jul 2010 07:03:42 GMT

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